Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Happy Hump Day

This week is going sooooo slowly!!! The hospital thing went of and I hear in 15 days what the results are. It was NOT fun being woken up at 5:30 and having all the electrodes and tape ripped off my skin. What ever happened to bedside manners?

And here we are at hump day... such a bad word for it. It makes sense and all.. the middle of the work week. I can't help but envision a dog humping legs though. Perhaps that is due to a friends recent conversation about leg humping by his dog, not sure.

Looking forward to this weekend!! Going into the city to hang with a friend and get krunked... well that is not the official plan. I see him once a year lately so we will catch up at a bar and if we get hammered in the meantime, well that happens. Hopefully the other half will stay sober and drive home!

Clocks ticking SO SLOWLY!!!

Monday, June 12, 2006


I hate everything about hospitals. The way it smells, like you are covering up all the death and germs. The way there is a hopelessness about people. Ever sit back and just watch other people waiting. 90% of the people you are looking at are not waiting for a new baby to enter the world, but they are waiting for a sick friend or relative, someone in surgury, someone in pain...

I have to go into the hospital tonight Oh it is nothing but being observed over night but I still have to be in there. The first time I had to have these tests done was about 10 years ago and they have me sleeping in the psyche ward of a 60's sanitaium that had been turned into a hospital. TOTALLY CREEPY! I had this corner room, which must have been an office at one point and it had six walls, three of which were glass walls. The floors were something out of The Shining, the walls had peeling paint and the gadgets that I had to be hooked up to looked like they had not been updated in 40 years. Why I stayed I have no idea, but they said I slept. I don't think I slept much, that is for sure. All I could think was I have to get out of here, or someone is going to kill me in my sleep. Some crazed maniac with a rusty butter knife is going to try and kill me... I was happy to get the hell out of there in the morning.

The next time was about 5 years ago. It was a room with no windows, that made me even unhappier. I got stuck in an elevator when I was a kid, I DO NOT like enclosed spaces. It was hot on top of it. Who the hell ever heard of a hospital room that was too hot??

Ok - so my bitching is covering up the fear I have that this time they are going to find something really wrong with me. Ever wonder if something have just gone to far to fix the things that are broken?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006


I had a discussion with a friend of mine about love today... He has someone he is interested in but he was listing off his rules a woman must pass before he dates them. Now, granted most of the rules were hilarious. I said what happens when a woman comes along that doesn't pass your rules but you fall for her... what about love?

Of course that got me to thinking about all the stupid mistakes I have made in the name of love. Maybe he has it right, maybe it shouldn't be about love maybe we should all have more rules to live by and if someone can pass those rules then you can open your heart to them. In the long run you wouldn't feel like you were hit by a Mack truck all the time then.

I wonder when you have been run over, oh say 100 times, if you eventually just stop loving? When do you learn to stop opening up?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Some changes...

Well I have decided that I can't just talk about adoption issues and what is going on because I just don't have that much to say. So on occasion I will update you on what is going on, but in the meantime I plan on posting random stuff and day to day things.

I decided last night that I was just getting way to tired of talking about adoption, mine, anyones. I am letting it rule my life lately and that is not how I ever dealt with it before and I refuse to keep dealing with it. I am adopted, but it is only a fraction of who I am. So here is the brief adoption update and then onto something else that happened...

My birthmom invited me to Maine this summer to stay with her for a few days. I don't think I am going to go. I don't have a lot of time off and right now it would make me too uncomfortable because I guarantee my birthdad does not want me there. She also gave me her sisters email address but I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to talk about with her.

Phil called me - my younger brother. It took me a few times of him saying this is Phil to figure out who he was. I just did not think I was ever going to hear from him. We talked for an hour or so and I rambled on and on like I do when nervous and probably made a complete and total fool out of myself, but at least he called!!!

Steve emailed me - a very brief email but that he was busy and to not feel like I was being ignored. I knew that just was nervous but it was nice to hear from him.

My birthdad - well no one talks to him about this. They pretend it didn't happen. How do people live like that???

NOW - onto what is really bugging me lately. My dad, the one that raised me, was in a car accident last Thursday. He is 73 years old and looks 60. He has the energy of a 20 year old which freaks me out sometimes also. We have a house up near Stratton Mt. in Vermont and he went skiiing for the day. Now, he could have stayed up at the house in Vermont but he decided to drive home after skiiing all day. The drive home is about 1.5-2 hours. Instead, he decided to make the drive, tired. He fell asleep, went over the yellow line not more then 20 mins away from the Vermont house and hit an oncoming car with a woman and her two little girls.

Everyone lived, my dad rolled his truck and was upside down but was able to crawl out. The State police got there fast and the two little girls were luckily strapped in and we out of the car. The woman was pinned under the wheel and they used tools to get her out. Supposedly, from what dad told me she was ok but he did not know what type of injury's she had.

Now I know it was an accident and I know my dad is at fault for driving when he should have known better. I have the full gamut of emotions about this from fear to anger though. After he and I spoke - he called on Saturday to tell me about this, I was so annoyed with him. I did not show it or act like it - but he made a comment that just made me want to smack him. He said something along the lines of - well at least it was just money and no one died. And yes, that is a true statement but it is more then money and I think he knows it. Two little girls were traumatized, a woman was scared out of her mind seeing a truck coming head on and then pinned beneith the wheel. He probably scared the living daylights out of my mom and she had to drive up at night to get him. He rolled his truck and walked away with bruising in his chest but never wants to drive again. Seems to me there is more then money at stake there.

I love my dad but sometimes I just want to shake him. I know he is not in touch with his emotions. He is not a sensative guy and never will be. But, he thinks his age caught up with him and I think his luck did. He has always done things like drive tired - my sister and I have yelled at him many times for swerving when we were kids. I know he loves us and feels but sometimes it is more then money - sometimes money just doesn't matter at all. I hope he knows that deep down.

/rant off ;)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

What's I've been up to...

So again, I have been absent for a while. Work has been busy for one but I also was in Puerto Rico for a few days. It was lovely. Sun, sand, ocean breeze....what could be better? Well I can think of a few things but I will leave that to my immagination and yours.

I contacted Steve and and got a two line reply - he's been busy and baby is rolling over 3 months early and his address. Also Phil is getting around on crutches and he thinks that spring may be too busy but maybe this summer we can meet.

When I read that all I could think was "hmmmmm." Doesn't seem all that excited to meet. And before anyone jumps on me with all the reasons why it could be I know them already. I am just explaining my reaction to it even if it is not logical. He could have said no I don't want to meet you at all. I have had 10 year to process it, he just had a baby and is sleep deprived... I know all the reasons it could be and how lucky I am to even have this opportunity. What I wanted to have happen, is a perfect world outcome, and we all know how imperfect this world is.

Well anyways I am really TRYING to "look on the bright side of life" these days, though not easy some days. Thank you Monty Python and I think getting that Puerto Rico sun for 4 days helped out a lot. I really think I have the medical "winter blues" and need to get more of that lovely sun on my skin to help with being so emotional.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006


I am alive folks, I promise. Things have been crazy at work and in life.

Last night I called my birth brother. I got his voicemail. I have not heard from him in a few weeks but he has a new baby. I have not heard from Wendy or Phil either which gets me all paranoid. But then again, I have not been in touch either. So when I am done here I am going ot send them an email and touch base.

I have been very... hmm, pokey lately. Pokey is my word for being irritable and moody. Granted it started during those wonderful few days of the month but it just kept going this time. My last post said winter blues... well yeah that does some of it but I just feel like hibernating!! I am going to Puerto Rico in a few weeks - now THAT I am looking forward too. Some sun, some warmth, a little swimming.... Nice long weekend!

Well back to the grind of the workweek. Hope everyone is doing well!


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Winter Blues...

So I decided a few weeks ago to mainly devote myself to talking about adoption and issues surrounding adoption but I find myself with the winter blues. So for this post I am gonna talk about both adoption and the blues....

I am tired and I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Ok, some would call it depression but I like to title it winter blues because depression just seems to overused to me.

My self confidence is at a pretty low point and things just seem bleak. I have not called Steve in a while, I guess I am nervous too and I really don't know what to say. I have not spoken to Phil at all nor Wendy. in 5 years. Wendy and I email each other. I can't really ask her advice on things but I am just kind of at a loss here. Where do I go from this place I am in? I want to call them and I want to meet them.... I am just nervous about that. It has all kind of built up to this point and I am standing at the top of the mountain and it has so many different paths down. Some are sharp with rocks... some smooth with snow... some bumpy.

I just feel tired all the time lately.... tired of the way things are. I wish I was fed up. Or had some more energetic emotions towards things...