I am alive!!!

Ok, so I have been rather lax lately, what with working 12 hours days with an hour commute each way and the holidays. But I am alive, even if it is barely some days and still breathing. So let's see if I can summarize what has been going on.

I haven't really heard much from my birth brothers - haven't heard from Phil at all. I am not suprized there, this must have come as quite a blow to him. I wish I would hear from him. He is the one that just doesn't have much to say. He said it takes him a while to open up to people. Ok, I can handle that, I think. Some days I want to scream I want it now though. So I can be all logical and rational and still have that streak where I want to throw a tantrum, right?

I can sit here and quote how lucky I am, how things could have turned out badly, how this is a positive not a negative..blah blah blah-ditty-blah... But that little irrational, emotional voice is there too screaming I want you to want to get to know me, I want you to want to contact me, I want you to love me... and maybe that is something that encompasses more in my life then just this. I want to be indispensible to people, I want to be loved, I want to be needed and wanted... so where did that dependancy start? Does this all stem back to being adopted and the start of my life... WOW, talk about random bullshit to form in my head while just typing what has been going on.

Anyways, Steve I heard from. I guess there were complications in his wife's pregnancy and she is now on bed rest but they have been going back and forth to the hospital for Dr's appts. So he is doing exactly what he should be. So I am in limbo land - which is ok too I guess. There is nothing BAD and nothing GREAT...

I know I need to really look at my needs and wants and find out where I am not getting it in my life. Things have to change even if the change needs to be drastic. Not shaving your head kinda drastic or drinking the koolaide drastic.....

~E