Heard from my birthmom....

I sent Wendy(my birthmom) an email the other day just because I had not been in touch in a few weeks. I got an email back from her today. I guess Steve was going to talk to is dad about me but Joe(birthdad) fell in Florida and fractured his hip. He thought he just had a groin sprain or something and flew home and was in a lot of pain. He went to the Dr. and it turns out he needed some surgury on it. He has a plate and some pins put in Tuesday and is now in PT.

Wendy seems to think that by spring the boys will have discussed this all with their dad... I know it is important for them to do that and maybe they will get more truth out of it. In a way I wish I could do the same thing with Joe. I want to know so many things but I hold so much resentment towards him right now I know it is not the right time for me to do it. Everything that has happened or not happened over the last 10 years with the boys and I is his fault. I have missed out on 10 years of knowing them. Sure things are for the best but the what if's are there. I am Damn happy with what I have so far but I think it is human nature to think about how it could be better.

Ok ok...so there is a lot I don't know. Maybe it is not just Joe but from everything I have been told by Wendy and her parents it seems like it is. That is one sided I know, their opinions on it alone. The boys seem confused because they have never seen their dad in that light. Who am I to tell them what is what... maybe after they talk to Joe we will all know more. I just hurt sometimes over his complete disregard for my feelings. It is like I was never born sometimes or he wishes that I had never been born other times. I am not sure if I am more comfortable either way.

I thought I had gotten to a point where my emotions in this were pretty settled. The last 6 months has stirred up anger, resentment, frustration, pain and sadness as well as happiness and excitement. I just wish I could keep them all in check but there are some days I just want to scream and cry and some I want to laugh with joy or cry with happiness. Right now, I am just mad at Joe for making me feel like I am less then what I am and mad at myself for allowing it...

~E