Blogs and adoptions...

So I have been tweeking with this blog a bit and I decided to get rid of my random ranting bs and stick with adoption and what is happening with me since that is pretty much the biggest thing in my life at the moment. So I went back and deleted a bunch of crap I have written that did not make any sense and I read through the first 4-5 posts I wrote. It was a about my grandmother.

I decided I would leave that because in a way the reason I said fuck it I am going to contact my birth brothers was because of her passing and my feelings over it. I also think is shows a little of my bad side which I think everyone has. What I did, finding my birth brothers was selfish. If I am going to truely accept what I have done I have to admit to myself and others that I WANTED to meet them.

Yes, I felt like a skeleton in a closet with them not know knowing and yes I was upset and angry over having wasted so much time myself and letting Wendy and Joe waste all that time. But I was selfish, I wanted not needed.... I still want but I think I need more now.

Is it ok to hope that they will love me? Is it ok to hope that maybe they will someday think of me as more then just a relation by blood... do I have that right? Was it my rights that were signed away or do I have some right to wish and want this. Then on the same hand - what about the sister I grew up with. We have barely been in touch and never really were. We are oil and water and I am not doing anything different now then I have before but I suddenly feel like I need to compensate.... Why?

Oh - here is a pic of Steve, his wife and new baby :)