Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Some changes...

Well I have decided that I can't just talk about adoption issues and what is going on because I just don't have that much to say. So on occasion I will update you on what is going on, but in the meantime I plan on posting random stuff and day to day things.

I decided last night that I was just getting way to tired of talking about adoption, mine, anyones. I am letting it rule my life lately and that is not how I ever dealt with it before and I refuse to keep dealing with it. I am adopted, but it is only a fraction of who I am. So here is the brief adoption update and then onto something else that happened...

My birthmom invited me to Maine this summer to stay with her for a few days. I don't think I am going to go. I don't have a lot of time off and right now it would make me too uncomfortable because I guarantee my birthdad does not want me there. She also gave me her sisters email address but I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to talk about with her.

Phil called me - my younger brother. It took me a few times of him saying this is Phil to figure out who he was. I just did not think I was ever going to hear from him. We talked for an hour or so and I rambled on and on like I do when nervous and probably made a complete and total fool out of myself, but at least he called!!!

Steve emailed me - a very brief email but that he was busy and to not feel like I was being ignored. I knew that just was nervous but it was nice to hear from him.

My birthdad - well no one talks to him about this. They pretend it didn't happen. How do people live like that???

NOW - onto what is really bugging me lately. My dad, the one that raised me, was in a car accident last Thursday. He is 73 years old and looks 60. He has the energy of a 20 year old which freaks me out sometimes also. We have a house up near Stratton Mt. in Vermont and he went skiiing for the day. Now, he could have stayed up at the house in Vermont but he decided to drive home after skiiing all day. The drive home is about 1.5-2 hours. Instead, he decided to make the drive, tired. He fell asleep, went over the yellow line not more then 20 mins away from the Vermont house and hit an oncoming car with a woman and her two little girls.

Everyone lived, my dad rolled his truck and was upside down but was able to crawl out. The State police got there fast and the two little girls were luckily strapped in and we out of the car. The woman was pinned under the wheel and they used tools to get her out. Supposedly, from what dad told me she was ok but he did not know what type of injury's she had.

Now I know it was an accident and I know my dad is at fault for driving when he should have known better. I have the full gamut of emotions about this from fear to anger though. After he and I spoke - he called on Saturday to tell me about this, I was so annoyed with him. I did not show it or act like it - but he made a comment that just made me want to smack him. He said something along the lines of - well at least it was just money and no one died. And yes, that is a true statement but it is more then money and I think he knows it. Two little girls were traumatized, a woman was scared out of her mind seeing a truck coming head on and then pinned beneith the wheel. He probably scared the living daylights out of my mom and she had to drive up at night to get him. He rolled his truck and walked away with bruising in his chest but never wants to drive again. Seems to me there is more then money at stake there.

I love my dad but sometimes I just want to shake him. I know he is not in touch with his emotions. He is not a sensative guy and never will be. But, he thinks his age caught up with him and I think his luck did. He has always done things like drive tired - my sister and I have yelled at him many times for swerving when we were kids. I know he loves us and feels but sometimes it is more then money - sometimes money just doesn't matter at all. I hope he knows that deep down.

/rant off ;)

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

What's I've been up to...

So again, I have been absent for a while. Work has been busy for one but I also was in Puerto Rico for a few days. It was lovely. Sun, sand, ocean breeze....what could be better? Well I can think of a few things but I will leave that to my immagination and yours.

I contacted Steve and and got a two line reply - he's been busy and baby is rolling over 3 months early and his address. Also Phil is getting around on crutches and he thinks that spring may be too busy but maybe this summer we can meet.

When I read that all I could think was "hmmmmm." Doesn't seem all that excited to meet. And before anyone jumps on me with all the reasons why it could be I know them already. I am just explaining my reaction to it even if it is not logical. He could have said no I don't want to meet you at all. I have had 10 year to process it, he just had a baby and is sleep deprived... I know all the reasons it could be and how lucky I am to even have this opportunity. What I wanted to have happen, is a perfect world outcome, and we all know how imperfect this world is.

Well anyways I am really TRYING to "look on the bright side of life" these days, though not easy some days. Thank you Monty Python and I think getting that Puerto Rico sun for 4 days helped out a lot. I really think I have the medical "winter blues" and need to get more of that lovely sun on my skin to help with being so emotional.