My World As I See It...

Happy Hump Day

2006-06-14T08:33:00.000-07:00

This week is going sooooo slowly!!! The hospital thing went of and I hear in 15 days what the results are. It was NOT fun being woken up at 5:30 and having all the electrodes and tape ripped off my skin. What ever happened to bedside manners?

And here we are at hump day... such a bad word for it. It makes sense and all.. the middle of the work week. I can't help but envision a dog humping legs though. Perhaps that is due to a friends recent conversation about leg humping by his dog, not sure.

Looking forward to this weekend!! Going into the city to hang with a friend and get krunked... well that is not the official plan. I see him once a year lately so we will catch up at a bar and if we get hammered in the meantime, well that happens. Hopefully the other half will stay sober and drive home!

Clocks ticking SO SLOWLY!!!

Hospitals

2006-06-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

I hate everything about hospitals. The way it smells, like you are covering up all the death and germs. The way there is a hopelessness about people. Ever sit back and just watch other people waiting. 90% of the people you are looking at are not waiting for a new baby to enter the world, but they are waiting for a sick friend or relative, someone in surgury, someone in pain...

I have to go into the hospital tonight Oh it is nothing but being observed over night but I still have to be in there. The first time I had to have these tests done was about 10 years ago and they have me sleeping in the psyche ward of a 60's sanitaium that had been turned into a hospital. TOTALLY CREEPY! I had this corner room, which must have been an office at one point and it had six walls, three of which were glass walls. The floors were something out of The Shining, the walls had peeling paint and the gadgets that I had to be hooked up to looked like they had not been updated in 40 years. Why I stayed I have no idea, but they said I slept. I don't think I slept much, that is for sure. All I could think was I have to get out of here, or someone is going to kill me in my sleep. Some crazed maniac with a rusty butter knife is going to try and kill me... I was happy to get the hell out of there in the morning.

The next time was about 5 years ago. It was a room with no windows, that made me even unhappier. I got stuck in an elevator when I was a kid, I DO NOT like enclosed spaces. It was hot on top of it. Who the hell ever heard of a hospital room that was too hot??

Ok - so my bitching is covering up the fear I have that this time they are going to find something really wrong with me. Ever wonder if something have just gone to far to fix the things that are broken?

Mopey

2006-06-06T11:37:00.001-07:00

I had a discussion with a friend of mine about love today... He has someone he is interested in but he was listing off his rules a woman must pass before he dates them. Now, granted most of the rules were hilarious. I said what happens when a woman comes along that doesn't pass your rules but you fall for her... what about love?

Of course that got me to thinking about all the stupid mistakes I have made in the name of love. Maybe he has it right, maybe it shouldn't be about love maybe we should all have more rules to live by and if someone can pass those rules then you can open your heart to them. In the long run you wouldn't feel like you were hit by a Mack truck all the time then.

I wonder when you have been run over, oh say 100 times, if you eventually just stop loving? When do you learn to stop opening up?

Some changes...

2006-03-21T07:50:00.000-08:00

Well I have decided that I can't just talk about adoption issues and what is going on because I just don't have that much to say. So on occasion I will update you on what is going on, but in the meantime I plan on posting random stuff and day to day things.

I decided last night that I was just getting way to tired of talking about adoption, mine, anyones. I am letting it rule my life lately and that is not how I ever dealt with it before and I refuse to keep dealing with it. I am adopted, but it is only a fraction of who I am. So here is the brief adoption update and then onto something else that happened...

My birthmom invited me to Maine this summer to stay with her for a few days. I don't think I am going to go. I don't have a lot of time off and right now it would make me too uncomfortable because I guarantee my birthdad does not want me there. She also gave me her sisters email address but I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to talk about with her.

Phil called me - my younger brother. It took me a few times of him saying this is Phil to figure out who he was. I just did not think I was ever going to hear from him. We talked for an hour or so and I rambled on and on like I do when nervous and probably made a complete and total fool out of myself, but at least he called!!!

Steve emailed me - a very brief email but that he was busy and to not feel like I was being ignored. I knew that just was nervous but it was nice to hear from him.

My birthdad - well no one talks to him about this. They pretend it didn't happen. How do people live like that???

NOW - onto what is really bugging me lately. My dad, the one that raised me, was in a car accident last Thursday. He is 73 years old and looks 60. He has the energy of a 20 year old which freaks me out sometimes also. We have a house up near Stratton Mt. in Vermont and he went skiiing for the day. Now, he could have stayed up at the house in Vermont but he decided to drive home after skiiing all day. The drive home is about 1.5-2 hours. Instead, he decided to make the drive, tired. He fell asleep, went over the yellow line not more then 20 mins away from the Vermont house and hit an oncoming car with a woman and her two little girls.

Everyone lived, my dad rolled his truck and was upside down but was able to crawl out. The State police got there fast and the two little girls were luckily strapped in and we out of the car. The woman was pinned under the wheel and they used tools to get her out. Supposedly, from what dad told me she was ok but he did not know what type of injury's she had.

Now I know it was an accident and I know my dad is at fault for driving when he should have known better. I have the full gamut of emotions about this from fear to anger though. After he and I spoke - he called on Saturday to tell me about this, I was so annoyed with him. I did not show it or act like it - but he made a comment that just made me want to smack him. He said something along the lines of - well at least it was just money and no one died. And yes, that is a true statement but it is more then money and I think he knows it. Two little girls were traumatized, a woman was scared out of her mind seeing a truck coming head on and then pinned beneith the wheel. He probably scared the living daylights out of my mom and she had to drive up at night to get him. He rolled his truck and walked away with bruising in his chest but never wants to drive again. Seems to me there is more then money at stake there.

I love my dad but sometimes I just want to shake him. I know he is not in touch with his emotions. He is not a sensative guy and never will be. But, he thinks his age caught up with him and I think his luck did. He has always done things like drive tired - my sister and I have yelled at him many times for swerving when we were kids. I know he loves us and feels but sometimes it is more then money - sometimes money just doesn't matter at all. I hope he knows that deep down.

/rant off ;)

What's I've been up to...

2006-03-08T09:07:00.000-08:00

So again, I have been absent for a while. Work has been busy for one but I also was in Puerto Rico for a few days. It was lovely. Sun, sand, ocean breeze....what could be better? Well I can think of a few things but I will leave that to my immagination and yours.

I contacted Steve and and got a two line reply - he's been busy and baby is rolling over 3 months early and his address. Also Phil is getting around on crutches and he thinks that spring may be too busy but maybe this summer we can meet.

When I read that all I could think was "hmmmmm." Doesn't seem all that excited to meet. And before anyone jumps on me with all the reasons why it could be I know them already. I am just explaining my reaction to it even if it is not logical. He could have said no I don't want to meet you at all. I have had 10 year to process it, he just had a baby and is sleep deprived... I know all the reasons it could be and how lucky I am to even have this opportunity. What I wanted to have happen, is a perfect world outcome, and we all know how imperfect this world is.

Well anyways I am really TRYING to "look on the bright side of life" these days, though not easy some days. Thank you Monty Python and I think getting that Puerto Rico sun for 4 days helped out a lot. I really think I have the medical "winter blues" and need to get more of that lovely sun on my skin to help with being so emotional.

Hibernation

2006-02-22T07:45:00.000-08:00

I am alive folks, I promise. Things have been crazy at work and in life.

Last night I called my birth brother. I got his voicemail. I have not heard from him in a few weeks but he has a new baby. I have not heard from Wendy or Phil either which gets me all paranoid. But then again, I have not been in touch either. So when I am done here I am going ot send them an email and touch base.

I have been very... hmm, pokey lately. Pokey is my word for being irritable and moody. Granted it started during those wonderful few days of the month but it just kept going this time. My last post said winter blues... well yeah that does some of it but I just feel like hibernating!! I am going to Puerto Rico in a few weeks - now THAT I am looking forward too. Some sun, some warmth, a little swimming.... Nice long weekend!

Well back to the grind of the workweek. Hope everyone is doing well!

~E

Winter Blues...

2006-02-14T08:35:00.000-08:00

So I decided a few weeks ago to mainly devote myself to talking about adoption and issues surrounding adoption but I find myself with the winter blues. So for this post I am gonna talk about both adoption and the blues....

I am tired and I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Ok, some would call it depression but I like to title it winter blues because depression just seems to overused to me.

My self confidence is at a pretty low point and things just seem bleak. I have not called Steve in a while, I guess I am nervous too and I really don't know what to say. I have not spoken to Phil at all nor Wendy. in 5 years. Wendy and I email each other. I can't really ask her advice on things but I am just kind of at a loss here. Where do I go from this place I am in? I want to call them and I want to meet them.... I am just nervous about that. It has all kind of built up to this point and I am standing at the top of the mountain and it has so many different paths down. Some are sharp with rocks... some smooth with snow... some bumpy.

I just feel tired all the time lately.... tired of the way things are. I wish I was fed up. Or had some more energetic emotions towards things...

~E

My birth father....

2006-02-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

What can I really say about him other then I have no idea what drives the man. He has to be close to 55 now and his father is dead and he STILL can not tell his mother. I do not know who he is protecting, himself? His mom? Me? Maybe I am more forward thinking ... saying Whoops, before I was married I had sex and we gave the baby up for adoption...

I do try to think of it from his perspective when I can. I know when Wendy and I contacted each other he did not want us to find each other. I know that he was afraid I would come into his life making demands or hold such hate towards them. I don't have either demands or hate. I am upset and I am frustrated.

Is it wrong for me to want him to want to get to know me?
Is it wrong for me to want to lash out at him just a little for making me a skeleton in a closet?

I don't hate him, though I am sure i have sounded like I have in the past. I just don't understand and the not understanding makes me upset... of Joe and Wendy in there. I met Joe only once. I barely remember the meeting. All I remember is wanting to get the hell out of there. I look at his picture and I think... I don't know you. I don't know anything about you and I think about all the things he has said or not said... done or not done and a little part of me says better off having nothing to do with him. I

Well Steve posted all these pictures of the baby and there are pictures of Joe here... I get a.... well the only way I can describe it is.. an icky feeling when I see him. This guy is the one who put me through so much turmoil? I look at him and get a stomach ache... why?

2006-02-03T09:20:00.000-08:00

Responding to a responce from Petunia from my post yesterday....

You are so right Petunia! We are all so different and yet some of us have some shockingly similar stories or bits of stories.

I think we all fight with some of the same emotions too. I have found that is the hardest part of everything. People expect me to feel one way when I feel another and vice versa.

When I got picked on in elementary school my responce was Naaah Naaah I have four parents and you only have two... mind you I did not know my birth parents at that point.

When I got to highschool and people asked me about it, I would groan and sigh and say.. "can you IMAGINE what it would be like having FOUR parents if I knew them... god, like 2 is SO bad as it is...".

When I got to college, I began to think I really wanted to meet them. Who were they, what were they like... I knew they were not my "parents" in a traditional way... when people would ask I would talk about everythig I knew...

After meeting them, after college and into my late 20's and early 30's I am not thinking about everything so differently again. What would have been different if I had not been adopted? Did I do the right thing by contacting my brothers? It became less about me and more about everyone.

Each and every one of us had different reasons for wanting to meet our birth parents. We have different emotions and different ideas built up in our head or who they are, what they are like and all...

I was lucky, I know how lucky I was. It could have turned out SO different... but I have these wonderful people in my life now and I am no longer guessing so much about what is to come or what could happen in the future or what they are like. Now I just have to let it all play out and see where it goes...

Good ol' Grateful Dead said it best....
"what a long strange trip it's been...

For a Birthmother...

2006-02-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

I have already written one post today and I feel the need to write another one.

I always thought I could grasp the absolute pain a birthmother must go through giving up a child for adoption. I thought I could put myself in her shoes being an adopted child. I never held onto anger towards my birthmom, I never held onto resentment, hostility, sadness.... Before I met her I knew she must have loved me so much to be able to give me up. I knew that because that is what my mom always told me.

When I would think about my birth mom before meeting her, she was this anonymous person who maybe looked like me, talked like me, sang like me... or rather I talked like her, looked like her or sang like her. I thought I was able to see the pain she went through, but as I get older the more I realize I could try but never succed there.

Recently I got lucky by having a birth mom stop by the blog here and write me a note. At first I was suprized... my ranting here was pretty much for me and of course the few friend of mine who were bribed to read it. I did not think anyone else came by, but there was Kim.Kim dropping me a note. So I went and read through her blog, and then through the blogs of other birth mothers on her site and I have never felt so unprepared for the feelings I was reading about. I am not sure I can truely explain, but something in me kinda broke... and not in a bad way.

All this time, 33 years, I thought wow must have been hard for my birth mom. But that statement does not even come close to what it must have been like for her.

Well I guess this is my really long winded way of saying thanks to Kim.Kim for her honesty and for dropping by here.

*HUGS*

~E

Blogs and adoptions...

2006-02-01T08:14:00.000-08:00

So I have been tweeking with this blog a bit and I decided to get rid of my random ranting bs and stick with adoption and what is happening with me since that is pretty much the biggest thing in my life at the moment. So I went back and deleted a bunch of crap I have written that did not make any sense and I read through the first 4-5 posts I wrote. It was a about my grandmother.

I decided I would leave that because in a way the reason I said fuck it I am going to contact my birth brothers was because of her passing and my feelings over it. I also think is shows a little of my bad side which I think everyone has. What I did, finding my birth brothers was selfish. If I am going to truely accept what I have done I have to admit to myself and others that I WANTED to meet them.

Yes, I felt like a skeleton in a closet with them not know knowing and yes I was upset and angry over having wasted so much time myself and letting Wendy and Joe waste all that time. But I was selfish, I wanted not needed.... I still want but I think I need more now.

Is it ok to hope that they will love me? Is it ok to hope that maybe they will someday think of me as more then just a relation by blood... do I have that right? Was it my rights that were signed away or do I have some right to wish and want this. Then on the same hand - what about the sister I grew up with. We have barely been in touch and never really were. We are oil and water and I am not doing anything different now then I have before but I suddenly feel like I need to compensate.... Why?

Oh - here is a pic of Steve, his wife and new baby :)

Mondays....

2006-01-30T09:47:00.000-08:00

Step out of bed

cold floor

throw blankets over my head

pretend it is earlier or the weekend

stumble to the shower

water cold, water cold, water cold...

damn the heater for slowness

curse mornings

water streaming down

steam poofing up

close eyes - pretend it is earlier or the weekend

Turn off water

Shiver

curse mornings

look at face - bleary, eyes still half shut

brush teeth shivering, teeth chattering

curse morning

Rub eyes

Stumble back to bedroom

sit on bed

throw covers over head

pretend it is earlier or the weekend

look at alarm clock

LATE! LATE! LATE!

curse mornings

jump out of bed

thrown on cloths

brush hair

curse mornings

makeup - where's the make up?

stumble down stairs attempting to put on shoe

too late for coffee

where are the damn keys!

curse mornings

start car - music blares, cold air fans

curse mornings

throw up hands in disgust

turn car off, take jacket off

climb back upstairs

call work - cough cough sick

get into bed

pull covers over head

fall asleep cursing mornings

Pictures...

2006-01-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

WENDY(BIRTHMOM), ME, JOE AND HARRY(BIRTH GRANDFATHER - WENDY'S DAD)

WENDY(BIRTHMOM) AND I BACK IN 1995?

ME AT 10 DAYS OLD

Heard from my birthmom....

2006-01-27T07:32:00.000-08:00

I sent Wendy(my birthmom) an email the other day just because I had not been in touch in a few weeks. I got an email back from her today. I guess Steve was going to talk to is dad about me but Joe(birthdad) fell in Florida and fractured his hip. He thought he just had a groin sprain or something and flew home and was in a lot of pain. He went to the Dr. and it turns out he needed some surgury on it. He has a plate and some pins put in Tuesday and is now in PT.

Wendy seems to think that by spring the boys will have discussed this all with their dad... I know it is important for them to do that and maybe they will get more truth out of it. In a way I wish I could do the same thing with Joe. I want to know so many things but I hold so much resentment towards him right now I know it is not the right time for me to do it. Everything that has happened or not happened over the last 10 years with the boys and I is his fault. I have missed out on 10 years of knowing them. Sure things are for the best but the what if's are there. I am Damn happy with what I have so far but I think it is human nature to think about how it could be better.

Ok ok...so there is a lot I don't know. Maybe it is not just Joe but from everything I have been told by Wendy and her parents it seems like it is. That is one sided I know, their opinions on it alone. The boys seem confused because they have never seen their dad in that light. Who am I to tell them what is what... maybe after they talk to Joe we will all know more. I just hurt sometimes over his complete disregard for my feelings. It is like I was never born sometimes or he wishes that I had never been born other times. I am not sure if I am more comfortable either way.

I thought I had gotten to a point where my emotions in this were pretty settled. The last 6 months has stirred up anger, resentment, frustration, pain and sadness as well as happiness and excitement. I just wish I could keep them all in check but there are some days I just want to scream and cry and some I want to laugh with joy or cry with happiness. Right now, I am just mad at Joe for making me feel like I am less then what I am and mad at myself for allowing it...

~E

2006-01-26T05:30:00.000-08:00

I am shocked by how spastic I am lately. Not in the normal spaz way or high energy but in attention span. Yesterday I had some time and was going to write a post and then that flutters in my brain started so I was off on a different tangent. I am becoming more blonde as I get older!

SOOOO - BIG NEWS!! My birth brother is now a daddy!!! Does that make me an Aunt? That line is so fuzzy at the moment. Heck, that whole area is fuzzy. I suppose it doesn't NEED to be clear nor, now that I think about it, will it ever truely be clear. Little JR is adorable, of course he is a new born so he is a bit wrinkly in pictures and all but still adorable. I am also very happy for them and glad that things worked out. For a while there his wife was having some complications and was on bed rest.

I do have a bit of jealousy with all this... not towards anyone, just in general. I guess I thought at 33 I would be well on my way, having had all the kids I wanted by now. Funny how life just never turns out the way you expect it to. I am doing the "look at the bright side" thing now. If I had kids would I be able to fly off to Puerto Rico in March with my family? Not as likely and if I did it would be a lot to do for 4 days with kids.

Some days I want to mulligan my life - Alex, I will take starting over for 1000 please. What are unrealistic desires? You are the weakest link... Goodbye =)

~E

I am alive!!!

2005-12-16T08:32:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have been rather lax lately, what with working 12 hours days with an hour commute each way and the holidays. But I am alive, even if it is barely some days and still breathing. So let's see if I can summarize what has been going on.

I haven't really heard much from my birth brothers - haven't heard from Phil at all. I am not suprized there, this must have come as quite a blow to him. I wish I would hear from him. He is the one that just doesn't have much to say. He said it takes him a while to open up to people. Ok, I can handle that, I think. Some days I want to scream I want it now though. So I can be all logical and rational and still have that streak where I want to throw a tantrum, right?

I can sit here and quote how lucky I am, how things could have turned out badly, how this is a positive not a negative..blah blah blah-ditty-blah... But that little irrational, emotional voice is there too screaming I want you to want to get to know me, I want you to want to contact me, I want you to love me... and maybe that is something that encompasses more in my life then just this. I want to be indispensible to people, I want to be loved, I want to be needed and wanted... so where did that dependancy start? Does this all stem back to being adopted and the start of my life... WOW, talk about random bullshit to form in my head while just typing what has been going on.

Anyways, Steve I heard from. I guess there were complications in his wife's pregnancy and she is now on bed rest but they have been going back and forth to the hospital for Dr's appts. So he is doing exactly what he should be. So I am in limbo land - which is ok too I guess. There is nothing BAD and nothing GREAT...

I know I need to really look at my needs and wants and find out where I am not getting it in my life. Things have to change even if the change needs to be drastic. Not shaving your head kinda drastic or drinking the koolaide drastic.....

~E

2005-12-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a while since I posted something. Between then and now I had my birthday and had a good, but brief discussion with my husband about our marriage.

He knows about this blog now, so not sure how he will feel about me posting this but here it goes. Yesterday, I basically told him as nicely as I could that I was not sure that this was working out. I asked him to take a good long look at what he wanted in life and what he wanted from me. If it came down to it that we were not suited for one another we needed to call it quits before we both wasted too much time and energy.

We both "want" kids. He can sow he wild oats and have kids for A LOT longer then I can carry a baby for 9 months. Time is a wasting and neither of us should waste anymore time. I will always love him if we both decide this isn't right and there is a hope in my mind that we could stay close, even though I know that is extrememly hard and barely ever happens.

And on the opposite side, maybe this will open his eyes and my own. It is out in the open now and maybe we will both start acting like this marriage means something more the co-habitating and sharing the bills. I don't want a roommate, I want a lover, a friend and someone I can share my thoughts with. I don't want to waste anymore time "trying" to fix things. We should know now that either we can or we can't. We have been trying to "fix" things for several years.

Oh well, we shall see what happens in the future. Never know, do ya?

~E

More Adoption News

2005-11-28T08:50:00.000-08:00

I heard from my yongest birth brother last week. It was short but to the point, that I should give him time but understand he is not upset with me just that he needs to process this all. I can handle that.

I told all my family at Thanksgiving about this. There were mixed reviews and a long philosphical discussion about the merits of adoption and the rights of both parent and child when they are adults. I went outside and had a smoke and let them discuss. See, what they don't get it that they are not dealing with this first hand. Sure, my parents adopted me and so they have feelings about it but at the same time they are removed from the decision making. They can not tell me I can or can't do something, nor do they deal with the repercussions of those decisions. Please do not mistake me, my parents mean alot to me and their opinion means a great deal as well. I do not want to hurt them, and they know that I love them and would never want to do that.

I check my email hourly hoping to hear from one of them. I have to relax and let things just move at their own pace but it is so hard. Ten years has been a long time waiting.

Tick Tock

2005-11-22T08:31:00.000-08:00

Why do I feel like I am on a dealine for something?
Seeing life just spinning on by and I think I want off this coaster for
a few days...

I'm just tired

2005-11-21T08:01:00.000-08:00

Well here is one of those down days. I guess my birth mom told my youngest "brother" that he had a sister he never knew about and though she thinks he took it well his brother thinks he is struggling with it. Then my birth father, who was in Florida with his mother and supposed to be coming home for Thanksgiving found out the boys both knew now and decided to stay down there for another week or more. Now his phone is off and they can't even reach him.

Guess this is the price that has to be paid and in a way I am paying for it a little, but not really at the same time. Wendy, Phil and Steve are paying for it and Joe in his own way. Gah, I am mad at Joe for being such a flippen asshat! 33 years have gone by, my birthday is in 2 weeks - GET THE HELL OVER IT. You are at least 55 years old!!! Now he is putting everyone through hell for the plain fact that the cat is out of the bag. I realize he carried this for 33 years but HE is an adult here! He put this all on my shoulders as did Wendy making me carry it for just 10 years. What the heck did I ever do to deserve that?? Just be born. Lovely!

I have no patience, I have slept little to none in the past 48 hours. The past week has been rollercoaster of emotion and though I slept a bit more those nights I still am not sleeping like I used to. What did I expect? Seriously... I was prepared for the worst and then some great stuff happened with Steve and then BOOM - Where did that Mac Truck come from. I got too happy and I should have stayed wary, but, I let my defenses down. I won't do that again. Hope for the best prepare for the worst and remember not to get to comfy. This ride is certainly not over.

What a week!!!

2005-11-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start and for those of you know know me that may be surprizing.

I guess Tuesday was my last post so I will tell you that I chewed off all my fingernails waiting for Steve to call. Seriously bad habit I know. He called at 8 and we spoke until 10. I guess there are a lot of things happening with my birth mom and dad that I did not realize the severity of. Steve is a neat guy it seems. He is very into The Sox, which I always knew. He is a very driven person and very active. He has a sense of humor, which I just got to see in a short conversation I had with him Wedneday night, but Tuesday he was all business in a way.

I was an emotional wreck. Half the time weepy and half the time laughing. He must have thought I was a complete loon. It had just been coming for SO long... all these hopes and expectations built up, all this time and thinking about what would go out. How would they/he react, would he want to have anything to do with me... etc...etc...

He wants to get to know me, that is what came out of this all. I should clarify, that is the main thing that came out of this. I learned a little about him but there is so much more to know. I know we have time to find it out too.

Wednesday night I came home from the marriage counselor, yeah the one that I am going to minus the husband who is off bowling... Well I logged on my computer to see if Steve emailed me and there was an email from Wendy waiting for me. I think I stopped and just stared at it, should i open it? Am I ready to ready what she had to say? As if I could just leave it there without reading it. She was so calm, she didn't act like it was a big deal. She basically said she knew this would happen one of these days (which again brings me back to believing that she WANTED me to tell them and take it out of her hands). She told me she wanted to wait to tell Phil until Joe got back from Florida. Joe, my birth dad, is semi retired and does not know I have been in touch with Steve.

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. "

So I guess tonight Wendy is going over to Steve's house to talk to him about this face to face and to share pictures she has of me and so on. I am really hoping to hear from him about his meeting tonight, but I am sure it won't be then. Most likely it will be tomorrow or Sunday.

I don't know how I feel at the moment. My emotions have been so jumbled lately that I feel so happy then I am worried an sad and sometimes angry. I feel like someone hit me with the crazy stick. I know that I am just trying to sort everything out into it's proper place.

Last night I wanted to yell, to scream. It is the first time EVER that I was mad about being given up for adoption. I have been confused and frustrated before but last night I felt like Wendy and Joe had compeltely robbed me of a unique opportunity to have brothers, to know my brothers. And yet, at the same time I kind of have that opportunity now, at least with Steve and hopefully one day Phil.

The question I have is - I keep saying I do not need a "brother" but they are my brothers. Can I refer to them as my brother. I could say Birth brother I suppose - but that just feels so cold to me...

SO MANY DARN QUESTIONS!!!

TGIF - That is all I have to say. This week has creeped. Everyday even Monday has felt like Friday to me.

As a friend put it - my life is a Soap Opera

2005-11-15T11:43:00.000-08:00

So as you know Steve wrote back to me. That much you know from my last post. The next part was that I replied to that letter and gave him some more details. I guess he took that to his mom, my birth mom and she told him. She told him I was his birth sister. I got that email first thing this morning and I have been reeling ever since.

What did I expect? I don't know, I mean, I DO know what I wanted to have happen. I wanted to come out of hiding. I wanted a chance to get to know these two incredible people and maybe more but specifically them. I wanted to be able to look into someone’s eyes and know that we had a bond that others don't have. I love my sister to death, and she will ALWAYS be my sister, but there is a lot of room in my heart to care about people.

I do not expect to turn around and have brothers. I am not delusional. I didn't fight with them when I was young, I did not see their first steps or watch them play little league. I did not go to Red Sox games with them or to see the Patriots. I missed a HUGE portion of their life for a decision that was made before I was even born and not made by me.

Maybe I don't know what I want; maybe I just want a chance to find that out. A lot of choices were made for me when I was young, and I am happy with the choices made for me. I think I turned out pretty good. I just want the choices back in my hands now. I care about who I run over, even unintentionally but Hell, it has been TEN years. Ten years for Wendy and Joe to tell the kids. TEN years for them to be truthful and honest. TEN years to take the skeleton out of the closet.

Well anyways, Steve wants to talk. Tonight we are going to talk on the phone. I am going to try and stay balanced emotionally and not break down and cry but when I read his email this morning I cried.

I used to think that finding my birth parents would complete a piece of me that was missing. It didn't. Growing up completed that part. Finding my birth parents just made me realize that people make choices in life, hard choices and they hope for the best. But sometimes, you don't know what the end result of those choices will be until many years down the line.

I hope the choices I make don't come back to bite me on the ass, but if they do, I will deal with it. I can look back at the choices I have made and know I didn't do it out of bitterness, malicious intent or revenge. I can look back and know that I thought long and hard about what the outcome could be, both positive and negative. I can look back and know that what I did, though some selfishness was involved.
I did because I felt I had no other path to try, that hadn't been run down many times.

It's Him... omg, it is him!!

2005-11-14T05:45:00.000-08:00

Wow... well I got an email today. That website I found that was run by Stephen, it is my birth brother. I am spinning. I don't know what to do. I have come this far to turn back now would be ridiculous but I just don't know what to say. He asked me how I knew his parents. Not such an easy question to answer. I can't just pop up and say... well, 33 years ago I popped out of your mother's womb. How do you tell someone that doesn't know you exist that indeed you do.

My birthday is December 4th, the same as our maternal grandmothers. That is 3 weeks from now. If I tell him the whole story will he think I am nuts or will I be giving myself the best birthday present I could ever have? I don't want to destroy their worlds. I don't know how either he or his brother will act. And I know all hell will cut loose with Joe. In a way I feel like shaking my birth father. I don't WANT to be your skeleton anymore. You are over 50 now. You can't continue living under your mothers apron strings. Basically, Wendy told me Joe did not want to tell the kids about me because he did not want his family knowing, especially his parents.

I want to write him back. I will write him back... but what do I say?!?!?!

Adoption Part III

2005-11-09T09:57:00.000-08:00

I think after the initial awkwardness we really started talking. I think we spoke for hours that night. She was wonderful and so easy to talk to. I had been so nervous, I had stressed and also dreamed about how it would be when I first spoke with her or met her. It had certainly always been more about Wendy then it was about Joe. You build up a lot of dreams of how things would be when you have thought about this happening for years.

As a little girl we used to go to Boston to visit my father’s (the one who raised me) family. I remember as a child going on the cable cars and going down to the children’s museum, going to the bay and throwing bales of fake tea into the harbor and thinking any of these people could be my mother or father. I could be walking by them and I would look through the crowd. As a teenager I used to fantasize about my birth parents. I no longer really thought about passing them on the street walking around but turned it into what famous person who is from Massachusetts could it be. Could I have been a Kennedy? Was one of the guys from Aerosmith my dad? Yeah, I know, VERY far fetched but remember I was a teenage and prone to daydreaming.

But with Wendy, it seemed to easy. We talked about what happened and why. We spoke about our families and I got to tell her about my life. The basic facts are that she and Joe were in college. She was getting a degree for Dental Assistant/hygienist and Joe was in Law School. She thought he would hold it against me if he had to go part time and that he was rather immature and would not be able to deal with a baby yet. She thought it best for all of us if she gave me up. Her whole family knew about her pregnancy, and me, but none of Joe’s did.

It seems to me, by some of what she said that Joe did not really want her finding me. I was a skeleton in his closet he did not want unburied. His folks still, to that day, did not know about me. He was worried even more that I would come around wanting something, or demanding something, that I would be angry or worse, revengeful. I guess he had no faith that I would turn out ok or too much guilt built up.

She told me about her parents, Harry and Birdie. Birdie was obviously not her real name but everyone called her Birdie. I found out I had two birth brothers, Stephen and Philip. They were obviously younger by a few years. Stephen was older then Philip but Wendy seemed to think Philip was more like I was, emotional and sensitive. Stephen was going through a very rebellious time she said. I talked to her about growing up. What I liked and didn’t like. We spoke about life and dreams and anything we could to just get an idea of who each of us was and how we related. She and I both struggled with weight issues. She happened to be far more successful with it then I have been. It just was amazing at how easy it was to talk to her. We hung up promising to be in touch more.

Over the next few month we talked and finally I asked my mom if it was ok if I invited Wendy to come hear my spring concert at school. From now on, not to confuse you I will call her Wendy, but Mom will always be Susan, my mom who raised me.

She was not sure that Joe would come but she was going to ask her parents to come with her. Her parents lived in Connecticut then. I was so nervous! We all met at my mom’s house and when she showed up it was freaky. I looked JUST like her!!! I actually looked like her. Oh, some weird things happened growing up, like I turned out to be tall, just like the rest of my family and my mom, sister and I all had large feet… but never facial features, hair color… I looked like my birth mom, wow! It was hard to explain but that was wonderful. Her parents were tall and so sweet. Harry and Birdie were just like I had always envisioned grandparents. As you know if you have read my blog I have not always had the “wonderful” grandparent experience.

She brought photos, which I may share someday with those who read this. She showed me an aerial view of her house; they had a pond and a pool and lived in a semi-rural area. She gave me pictures of her and of the boys. I sat and looked at those pictures for a long time. I looked like Philip – or rather Philip looked like Wendy and I. I had never looked like anyone before.

We had a wonderful first meeting, but Joe did not come. I guess I kind of figured out then where I stood with him. In a way, I really did not care. He did not want to meet me, I did not want to meet him. Hell, I was something he wished never happened to him why should I care. At least, that is what I told myself, and then I believed it.

I asked about meeting the boys that day. Wendy said they did not know about me and right now they were in HS and going through a rough time. Stephen was acting out and having some issues and she thought maybe in a year it would be better. Plus, we had some getting to know each other to do. I was disappointed but I understood. I wanted to get to know her.

I am going to fast-forward here, because we had some phone calls but we never really met face to face again and my time line is messed up. Somewhere between then and now I met Wendy for dinner in Massachusetts and asked Joe to come. He did and it was a very awkward dinner for me. Maybe I was just not used to someone who drank anything more then a beer or two or some wine but I remember I showed up and he was already having some hard drinks. He continued drinking through the meal. I guess he was nervous. Honestly I do not remember the meal or the meeting all that well other then it was uncomfortable and I just wanted to get out of there.

I met with Wendy another time. She invited me up to stay at their place in Maine. I went with my friend Jen. We had a wonderful time exploring and hanging out. We spent a lot of time on our own, Jen and I, but also spent some time with Wendy. One thing Wendy said was Joe’s family lived near by so if they came around or the kids did I was to just say, if asked, I was a friend of the family. That made me feel uncomfortable so I brought up the boys since it was, at that time, a year later. Wendy said that it was still not the best time and to give it time. I should “focus on my relationship with my own sister rather then one with the boys.” Again, irked me, but I shrugged it off. It was up to them to tell the boys and who was I to come in and disrupt a family?

I believe that the next time I saw Wendy was my wedding in 2000. She brought her dad, Harry, along and it was terrific having them there. Not too much after that I mentioned in a letter or phone call about the boys again and she said “I should focus on my relationship with my husband rather then one with the boys.” Do you see a trend here? It sounds like someone spouting off psychobabble. It was the same line, different subject each time. I started to get really frustrated here. She dangles pictures of the boys in every letter. She talks about their lives, their girl friends, how they are doing in college but then doesn’t want me to be curious about them or want me to meet them. Joe’s family still does not know I exist, the boys don’t know I exist. I am a skeleton in the closet and what is worse I know I am that skeleton. It may be one thing if I was ignorant of it, but I have full knowledge of it.

I want to meet my brothers. I did not grow up with them, I did not see their first step or get between them when they fought. I did not go to little league or have them scare off a boyfriend. But I want the chance to have a relationship with them. I want to give them the chance to decide that too. So I am now stuck in a quandary. I know about them, they don’t know about me. Wendy may be afraid they will be mad at them for not telling them about me, but now am I just as guilty? I could contact them but I haven’t. What right do I have to disrupt their family when Wendy and Joe don’t want me to? The rights I had were taken away when Wendy’s signed that paper but I did not sign it. Is it selfish to want to know them? Is it selfish to hope that they want to get to know me?

Today I found a website and I think my birth brother runs it. I wrote asking if indeed it was Wendy and Joseph’s son Stephen who ran it. I have not heard back… I don’t know what my next step is anymore. If I do not contact them I will always wonder. If I do, I may cause all sorts of problems in their lives and they may not want to have anything to do with me. I don’t want to hurt them or make life difficult for them. I just want a chance to get to know them and for them to get to know me. Is that terrible of me?

Adoption Part II

2005-11-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

Continued from the previous post...

The story does not end there though… that was the longest drive home ever. I just wanted to get home, once the intensity of finding this single sheet of paper that enabled me to move forward, I was wiped out. The drive home was miserable, cold and rainy and the miles just ticked by so slowly. Once home, I told Jen what I found and called my parents (the ones that raised me) and let them know. My mom was very excited for me. It was like a puzzle and the pieces were falling together.

I suppose I should explain something here, before I go on with the story. People want to find their birth parents for many different reasons. Some are hurt and want to know why they were given up, some are searching for new parents because they don’t like the ones they ended up with (I know that is hard to believe but some do), some want to know where they came from, some need medical histories, and on and on. There are so many reasons why an adopted child would want to find their birth family. For me, there were two reasons. The first, and foremost was that I felt there was a piece of me missing, some unanswered questions of who I am, why I am the way I am, and where I came from. The second, just as important to me was, I needed to find my birth parents to let them know, I was ok. I was loved, cherished, nurtured and grew up in a good family who took care of me.

I had thought about that along time. What was it like for my birth mom and dad? Did they wonder where I was? Did they wonder if I was ok? Did they fear that I was mistreated or unloved? I never doubted for a minute that the reason I was given up was for the best. My wonderful parents that raised me always told me I was given up out of love. I had always known I was adopted, I had always known I was wanted.

So back to the timeline here, I apologize for my zerging off direction.

So now I had this marriage certificate. It had their last names on it and where they got married as well as a few minor details that did not help me much. But I did not have the Internet to help me here. I needed an address. So off I went to the library. I think it was either the Simsbury Library or the West Hartford Library, I do not remember anymore which. They had a database there with names and addresses that I could look it up with. It took me a while, but the only thing I could find was a Joseph ***** Attorney of Law. I had learned from the paperwork that he was in Law School when I was born so I assumed that must be him. Again, there was that huge wave of elation for finding a new piece of the puzzle.

So home I go again to ponder this new information. Do I call? Do I go there in person? Do I write a letter? How do you put down in a letter what you truly want to say? Now the fear of rejection started. Will they want to even see me? What if they don’t? How will I feel if that happens? I held onto this information for a bit, and while I did I started to worry more and get a little depressed. Why was I depressed? I had found so much information, I was closer to where I wanted to me, so why sad? Maybe it was because I was worried that all this work was going to be for nothing, I am not sure. So off mom shuffles me to a psychologist. I know that sounds funny to just blurt it out, but it turned out to be a really great experience and a much-needed support system for what was to come in the future.

After a few weeks of discussing it with Gary (my psychologist) I decided I was going to write a letter. I wish I had kept a copy of it but I didn’t. I basically wrote:
I realize this will be a shock but here is what I have been researching and the information I came up with. I ran through the process of what I did and then I just said, I believe my conclusion is that you and Wendy may be my birth parents. I would greatly like to speak with you when you have time and I left my name, address and phone number.

When I dropped that letter into the mail it felt really good. I figured it would be a few weeks before I heard back just because it takes time for someone to process this coming at them when they may not have wanted it or known it was coming. I was not just going to sit around and I mailed that letter that day on purpose. I was off the next day to Florida for a trip with a friend. I spent the next 7 days in Florida and North Carolina visiting friends I went to college with and just relaxing on the beach. I went fishing, on a dolphin boat and on the strangest train ride I have ever had along with drunk who was eventually led off the train an hour later in handcuffs. When I got home I was reenergized and ready to handle whatever was coming.

But there had been no response. No call, no letter.

I had marked the envelope personal and private and to Joseph’s attention but I had not sent it registered or return receipt required. What did that mean? Did it mean he had not gotten it? Did it mean they did not want to talk to me… Wheeee…. back on that roller coaster I go and this time it goes upside down, aren’t I a lucky girl?!?! Meanwhile, I should mention, I am back in school now. I transferred up to Hartt School of Music at University of Hartford.

So here I am, on an emotional roller coaster, taking a full class load, living with my friend and two cats not knowing where I stand on a quest I put myself on to begin with. I think I had just about had it, too many unknowns. I needed to take a step back and a few deep breaths. The way I figured it, it was either going to happen or it wasn’t. I have a lot to deal with and it can wait. If I want to pursue it more over, say, the summer, well then would be a good time to.

Time passes… I have always wanted to put that in one of my stories and it just fit, so allow me some creative license here. A few months go by and it is very early spring. I get home between classes. I forget what my morning class was but the afternoon class was accounting and then evening choir. It was a Monday. The phone rings so of course I answer it. What I heard next had me sitting my behind down on the floor before my knees collapsed.

Remember, early on in my story I told you about that adoption reunion type place in the Midwest I sent in my information to? They matched me up with my birth mother who had also sent information into them as well. **blink** WOAH! Are you kidding? Now I will have to revise some here, but I never mentioned that it was 1990 that I had originally put in that application. It was now 1994 I believe, 4 years had gone by since I put it in and quite frankly, I had forgotten all about it.

Them: Would you like to talk with your birth mother?
Me: oh my god! oh my god! oh my god!
Them: She has been looking for you
Me: oh my god! oh my god! oh my god!
Them: Are you ok? Take a deep breath?

Ok – so maybe that is MORE creative license but it certainly felt like that conversation went that way with me. Heck yeah I want to talk to her. Wow, she was looking for me too? What are the odds of that happening? Hell, what are the odds of any of this happening if you think about it? But who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth. She will call me tonight, at 8. Ok, sounds good to me. Somehow, god only knows how, I went to my accounting class. I don’t remember going, I don’t remember the lesson, I don’t remember driving home. I know, no lectures on how I should not be driving in that state of mind please.

So instead of staying for choir after accounting I said screw it and I came home. It was 6. I was pacing, driving my roommate insane, and the cats probably though I had lost my marbles. Finally, I said screw it and at 7 I called her.

Me: Hello, may I speak with Wendy please?
Wendy: This is.
Me: Wendy…. This is Liz… you know, your daughter….

To be continued…

Adoption....

2005-11-07T10:33:00.000-08:00

At 10 days old I was given up for adoption. My parents (adoptive parents) were wonderful and I was lucky. I grew up in a well to do household with a lot of love and attention. My mom got pregnant 2 years after they adopted me with my sister Claire. I hear that happens alot.
Claire and I are oil and water - but I love her to pieces. She is one of the smartest women I have ever known.

In 1992-1993 I took a year off from college and decided to look for my birth parents. The only thing I knew is that they were from Massachusetts. My first attempt to find them was half-assed really. I am not sure I was ready but I put in an information sheet with a Midwest company that was an "adoption reunion" type place. I will have to find the name of the company one of these days. I did not hear back from them, but it was a good thing. I don't think I was ready. Even though I specifically took a year off from college to devote time to this, it just was not right for me yet.

At the end of 1993 I became more motivated. I went up to Boston and petitioned the courts there. No matter what judge I went before, and I tried a few, I could not get them to give me any more then the certificate I already had stating I was born and adopted and could get a US passports... yadda, yadda, yadda... Nothing helpful.

I was dejected that last time in court. I just could not understand how I was going to find my birth parents. Some may ask why it was so important to me. I had a great family, I had wonderful parents and my mom was the best thing since sliced bread to me.

But let me try and briefly explain that. One day, when she was taking me to the airport to fly back to college in 1990 I was talking about finding my birth parents and she said to me, "I want you to find them too. I want you to find them because I want to tell them, that you were the best present that anyone had ever given me." So I got on that plane bawling my eyes out. My mom knew, SHE KNEW, that no matter what happened with me finding them, that I loved her; she was my mom over everyone else, even that person who carried me for 9 months.

So anyways, there I am in Boston, heading out of the courtroom and this wonderful court bailiff caught up with me in the hall. He was a tall, black man with a wonderful smile. I can see him if I shut my eyes because it was him, a man who's name has faded from my memory, who changed my life that day. He had been present the several time I was in the courts and gave me a sheet of paper with a phone number on it. He urged me to call the social worker who’s number was there. He said he thought that she could help.

I went down to where the phones were and called right then and there. While we were speaking she was asking me some basic questions. What did I know so far? Where was I born? Where did I grow up? Questions like that. Well as soon as I told her where I grew up she started laughing. Though she was older, it seems we grew up in the same town, went to the same High School, had some of the same teachers and our parents knew each other. I guess it really is a small world sometimes. She told me she would do what she could for me and would be in touch as soon as possible.

I left there and drove home to my apartment with my best friend Jen in Connecticut. I think I must have smiled all the way home; FINALLY there was a break I needed. I went from not having any options left to being told I would get some information. Maybe it would help, maybe it wouldn't...but it was something!

A few weeks went by, then a few more... One day I came home and there was this huge yellow envelope sticking out of our mailbox. It was from the social worker. I went in, and with Jen opened it. I was shaking A LOT, I cannot even begin to explain how scared, nervous, excited, terrified.... I was. We went through it. This packet had EVERYTHING in it. It had the forms my birth parents and real parents filled out to adopt me. It had the forms of my birth mother giving up her rights to me... my birth certificate... you name it. When I was done reading, re reading and re-rereading... I think I was in shock.

I had a lot of new information. I knew where my birth parents grew up, I knew their names were Wendy and Joe, I knew they were from Walpole, MA, I knew So much more then before... but what could I do with this information... and then I saw it.

One name, one single, solitary, lonely, maiden name was not blacked out. Every other last name had been covered with black marker but one. I had a last name - Oh my god, I had a last name!!!

So I had a maiden name, their first names and I knew they had gotten married a year after I was born!! So back to Massachusetts I went, but this time to Walpole, MA.

One year before I had little to nothing for information and today - I had SO much. I went to the town hall and asked to get a marriage certificate. They said they did not have them there, that I would have to go to the state records in Boston. I suppose I should have called, but I was so excited when I left. I left Walpole and headed to Boston.

The day was grey and rainy. It was windy and a true fall New England day. I parked on the street near the hall of records. I remember, as if in a fog, walking towards the building, the cobblestones and the red bricks. The rain and mist around, the traffic, walking by people but not even really seeing them, just knowing they were there. I went up several sets of stairs and into the building with the information I had. I spoke with the clerk, a little old woman, and I gave her the information I had, their names, her maiden name, where they were from, where I think they got married, and around what date.

I sat, waiting... waiting... waiting... About 35 minutes later she came out with an envelope. I opened the envelope and slowly slid the marriage certificate out. It was the missing information I had been waiting for. I stared at it, and in a daze paid the $10 I owed, for the copy. I think I sat down, but I am not sure.

The next 45 minutes were a real blur for me. I remember leaving the building, going down the wet red brick steps, across the cobblestones and getting to my car. I remember getting into the car and sitting there. I know tears were streaming down my face. I know I was shaking. I know I sat there for a while to get control. I had found them. What I was not sure would even happen, before I talked to the social worker, had happened. I had their last name; I had their marriage certificate. I had found my birth parents - Wendy and Joseph.

To be continued...

2005-11-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you come to a fork in the road and you have to pick the path least traveled...

The road is bumpy and rocky but it has to lead somewhere.... doesn't it?

A time for optomism

2005-10-28T08:28:00.000-07:00

I could sit here daily and write miserable, pathetic and whiney diatribes about how sad my life is, how everything is wrong and how depressed I am. I could easily spend pages writing that if I wanted to, but today, hopefully longer then today, but just today for now, I just want to scream. "WTF!!! Stop wallowing in self pity, guilt and look at yourself. Make it better, do soemthing for YOU and not everyone else!!!" I guess today, I am at that point. Tomorrow may change, but today it is time for some optomism.

So here's the plan, and I am doing this if you are with me or not life...

I am going to start living my life for the betterment of me. This is not to say I am going to become self involved and tune out the world but I am going to feed my soul and my body with the right things. I am not a religious person but I strive to be kind to people, it may be a religious quote - but Do unto others as you would have others do unto you... but I really do believe in that. You are only as good as you treat others. I am going to try and show a bit more compassion for those I do not undertand and baby myself a bit till I get back on my feet.

I think it is time for alot of us to stop neglecting the one person that is most important to nourish. My friends and folks I have told this too laugh... I have a metephor to how I wish I lived my life ... you know in airplanes when the attendants are going through the instructions and they say in case of cabin depressurization those air thingys drop from above you. Make sure if you are traveling with someone unable to put it on, that you put yours on first and then help them with theirs... Well, you can't be of any use to anyone else in your life if you don't take care of yourself first just as you can't help those you travel with if you don't help yourself first...

*hugs* and much love to all who read this... remember take a little time to nurture yourselves today...

~E

Just when you think there is no resolution...

2005-10-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

Went over the weekend to see my grandmother. She was in a hospital in Hartford and we went up and walked in. She is so frail now, but she looked good other then looking tired. The first thing she said to me was... remember when you had purple hair, I was so nasty to you. Stopped me dead in my tracks.

I assumed I would go there, sit and chat for a bit, and try and make my peace... but in the end she wanted to make hers too. I guess that if you wait long enough sometimes people see things they did wrong in the past.

It just is great because I feel like I can mark one thing off the list of crappy things bothering me. When she passes I will at least have that time with her when she said she was sorry - in her own way.

SO that is one down...

My List:
1. My Marriage... what to do? Is it working? Why are we happier apart?
2. My birth brothers - find them with or without the approval of my birth parents.

And during all that do soemthing with my health. I bought a yoga dvd over the weekend. I cleaned out part of my room last night to make space for trying it out.

Ahh life, gotta love it!

Murphy's Law or Cosmic Karma....

2005-10-20T07:20:00.000-07:00

Kinda ironic, but a few hours after I wrote my last post my mother called me to tell me my grandmother took a whole bottle of sleeping pills. They rushed her to the hospital and she was brought back, much to her dismay I am sure.

And I cried...

I spent the last 24 hours thinking if I was upset out of guilt or because of the fact I almost lost my last grandparent. I can't answer that really, and I am not sure I will be able to for a while. Alot of you have said you can't pick your family and you are right. I love her no matter what, but I don't have to like the way she treated me. But in the end, should I forgive and forget or can I forgive and forget.

I do feel horrible for her. No one should have to suffer with cancer or any disease. I am very much for the assisted death if people have terminal illnesses. Let them go out peacefully, without pain if there is no cure. Dr. Kevorkian had the right idea in many cases. I mean, this is a 96 year old woman who has outlived her husband and friends and she had obviously made her peace even if I haven't. I say this with no malice or anger towards her.. but if she wants to go then by all means let her go.

I am sure some of you will read both my posts and think this is horrible. I truely can't make you believe that I mean no ill will after some of the things I have said, but I don't. I don't want to see her suffer, I don't want to see my mother suffer or her sisters.

My cousin is coming up from NC this coming week. She did not have a chance to know my grandmother as I did, and in a way I am glad. She sees her as a wonderful, loving, grandmother... I hope all my cousins see it that way, I really do. Just wish I did.

I must be heartless...

2005-10-19T10:24:00.000-07:00

So my mother calls last night, she leaves a message. I had no idea she called until I checked at work. Seems that my 96 year old grandmother is not doing so well and probably won't make it to Thanksgiving.

That should upset me, right? Well it doesn't. I am kinda dead about it, I am more concerned for my mom and her sister being upset and I feel rather distanced from it.

You see we have never been close. A key turning point in my life with my grandmother would be when I was a teenager trying to find myself. I had dyed my hair magenta and showed up at my folks place and it just so happened my grandmother and her friend where there. In hindsite, she must have been brutally embarassed that her granddaughter had purple hair. She said nothing at the time but a few weeks later I got a handwritten letter in the mail. She basically told me that my mother had taken me off the streets (I was adopted at 10days old in a private adoption and was NEVER on the "streets"), that I never thanked my mother for taking me off the streets and proceeded to list - NUMBERED list, everything I had done wrong in my life. I was an ungrateful girl and had no manners...etc...etc...etc...

I was one of the best mannered kids people knew. I got along with everyone, I smiled all the time and was nice to people even when they were horridly mean to me. Well needless to say, this letter was disasterous to me at 16. This was a woman who was supposed to love me unconditionally. This was someone who should have been spoiling me and baking chocolate chip cookies - the grandmother type with the big bosum who could just hug you and love you. Well this was not grandma P. that is for sure. If anything, it would have been my dad's mom.. but she was in a nursing home when I was very young already.

So this is how she has always been. And the final kicker for me was last mothers day. I got her and my mom cards. Both were those hallmark semi sappy, but not sappy enough to make your teeth hurt cards. She opens hers, reads it, and then says... well this is certainly not my card, you don't even know me and I don't know you well enough to even have these feelings...

WHAT?!?!? 32 years you have known me you old bat! God, all I wanted was for her to just love me for who I was. I am not a skinny minny, I am not the best looking girl, I am who I am... and I like who I am for the most part. But I don't conform to what she thinks a woman should be.

So I guess I am having a really hard time summoning up some feelings of sadness for her being sick and dying.